“As Dr. johnson said: ‘God Himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?” - Dale Carnegie

The other day, I had the pleasure of visiting with a friend of mine who showed up in town un-expectedly and un-announced. I was delighted to see him and his wife back in town, if only for a brief period of time. We spent hours catching up and exchanging stories of our summers and all of the trials that we both have been through as of late. Late into our conversation, I was on a sort of venting rant about my frustrations with my faith and with God, when I was challenged with one of the most eye-opening questions I’ve had in the past year or so.

I was continuing on about how my recent experience has led me to think that I don’t necessarily believe in God for as much as I used to, nor for the same things. After he sat patiently and listened to me, the quick to speak / un-experienced young guy, continue ‘whining’ for a good 15 minutes, he simply asked me if maybe the things I continue speaking of ‘believing’ or not ‘believing’ were actually the things that I was in fact feeling. I had to stop and ponder the question because I didn’t already have an answer for it. Could it be, that what I keep thinking has been a change in what or how I believe, is simply just a feeling response to my current circumstances? Maybe I am just experiencing for the first time, going through something that impacted me in such a way that I have no choice but to experience it in my deep emotions. Going even further, quite possibly it’s just the first time I’ve found myself in a place where I’ve truly experienced sorrow and lamentation. Maybe it’s just that the ‘trials’ I have always spoken of having gone through, were not really trials, but just situations that weren’t optimal.

The longer I continue to follow God, and pursue my relationship with Him, the more I think that I’ve only just begun. I can remember a time when I thought I could figure out a verse or a prayer for anything that was thrown at me. But now, here am I, humbled and trying to regain my bearing on the first shell shock I’ve ever been through. And the more I think about it, the more it seems that I’ve only just begun to experience what life ‘by faith’ means and or even looks like.

What do you think? Have you ever felt like you’ve had a complete change in what you believe or know to be true? Did you ever think that maybe it’s actually not a paradigm shift for you, but just an experience of your feelings that maybe you hadn’t been in touch with before? I know for me, it’s much easier to swallow the idea that I’m just experiencing some new feelings, than trying to cope with coming up with what I believe all over again! In fact, thinking about that now seems almost immature or elementary. After all, it’s the experiences we have that mold who we are, not the thoughts we conjure!

Either way, I hope and believe that this may be the awakening of a new side of my spiritual man that I hadn’t previously known existed. I can only be grateful for friends/mentors like Douglas, and try to gain as much as I can from every moment, every experience, and every worthwhile thought in order to help refine and redefine the direction of the path that I’m headed on. Thanks Douglas. -kenny